100 Days of Happiness — Day 72
Today would have been my mom’s birthday, it’s the first one without her. So I should do like with my grandma and have happy memories of her today, yeah? It’s hard though, it still doesn’t feel quite real that she’s gone. It’s getting close to a year since she passed and now is when it is starting to get really painful, I remember the same thing after my dad died. Once enough time has passed that you really start to notice the void, that’s when the sadness and loss really hits.
I do hope my mom’s last year was a good one. She had been getting less able to do things on her own, but wasn’t at the point where she had to completely stop volunteering, which was something she was dreading. She had been really sick and unable to get out and do anything for a few months, but right before she died she went out to dinner for her anniversary and volunteered just a few days before her death. I know it’s selfish, but I am very happy that if it had to happen, it happened after a “good” spell and it happened rather quickly. No one wants to watch a loved one linger and suffer.
Mom had a grumpy streak in her, but after getting progressively more ill for a decade, I guess anyone would have. I think, though, that many of you will remember her as thoughtful and generous, which she definitely was. She wanted to be liked and appreciated and I think she accomplished that. I think that there are probably a lot more people who think about her and miss her than she’d ever imagine.
So it’s hard to think about good memories today, because it’s difficult to do anything thinking about Mom at all — my brain wants to focus on her last day. I know with time though that it will become easier to think about all the positive memories we had together.